Hello again
Since my last blog entry had passed much time, more than four months. It is in this Time done very much what I try now to summarize here again, in the hope to help this process the events.
The relationship was a very good and deep friendship, although still very strong feelings on both sides are there. I am now in another relationship, but now seems to be no love relationship to be more. I love someone who does not love me but loves her. It all started so wonderfully, well, wonderful in some ways.
In the fall of 2009, I joined a group of women who very intensively with the topic of sex hormones and the brain involved in this group, I already wrote several times. There she was - I call the sake of simplicity, from now on Nadja, although this is not her real name is, it will not be published. This group is mainly through Skype connected. Nadia was also in this group. But we were still together at the little chat but in the group. Nevertheless, already arrived at the first sympathy which plunged then on New Years Eve, as part of this group, including Nadia and I, in Frankfurt am Main to celebrate met.
time - it really seems a very long time ago - Nadja was a another woman and I was fixated on someone else. However, there were occasional eye contact between Nadia and me, they call and I in retrospect as an "eye flirting". Since we started this celebration even more frequently to chat privately, also via Skype (man hates and loves this program usually almost the same breath, but that's another topic).
In that time, the occasional private chats in which we are increasingly entrusted to each other even more intimate, I had a brief affair and shortly after my first love affair with Tamara (also a false name). Tamara and I still love, but there were several issues that were regulated not so simple, so it looked more and more after separation. Other hand, I resisted, until Nadia said out of the blue to me that she had fallen in love with me. I also could not help but admit that this was done by my side for over half a year more and more in-depth and detailed "talks" joined us.
So it finally came to separate with Tamara and the direct restart with Nadja. Some people warned me that a relationship so quickly and then immediately throw a new one (calculated with Nadja) to begin. I ignored the warning not entirely, but I still left on the "adventure" one, for there is now someone who lives a lot closer was - at least a third less time to travel and not have the same problems the relationship exposed. Of course then there were other problems that can strain a relationship as well, which is one of them, but we could deal well with it for a while and they solve.
Until that Sunday in August, where I was totally down, almost mildly depressed and not with men online and noticed rumflirtete they were worth.
* sigh *
It is somehow still very hard about it write. But it must be, I have to slowly accept that it's over and now I'm alone again, what I intend to leave it well first. It was just all a bit much in this half year, but probably typical for pubescent.
So on with the text: We got together then, of course, since I had always been lousy mood, and then constantly spoke of what would turn on them for idiots, but some still took in more detail, via Internet . Somehow I managed, despite my condition, to hold it by turning twice vor'm when one or other of these idiots they upset special. But at some point handed it to me and said I tacheles.
We howled then both and Nadja said over the next few days that its just something missing in the relationship with me, she knew not what it was. For however much they miss NEN man even now. She tries to figure out since then is still what it is lacking, and since that day, I never heard from her again "I love you," but only the "I love you very tightly."
second option I have chosen now to my personal Unsatz of 2010, is perhaps one of the words in this sentence or even officially for the word of the year 2010, I found this appointment always stupid, but I can now understand very well because it helps an uncommonly when people can do something for the enemy and then it must also be angry and can. Because despite everything, I can not be angry or upset with Nadja, I love her too much for it, and even now a significant part of me hopes that it goes with us, but so do I expect less and less. This is hard and I'm crying here and now to feel, but I'm sitting in the lobby of the Inter Hotels in Chon Chon Buri, Thailand and here losheulen I would not, so I suppress it - again.
in the top room is Nadja and does what she has applied to the doctor. We flew on 28.9. here and on 1 October, she had her SRS and now is follow-up announced, several times a day. I can and somehow I can not even be present, so I was sitting here several times a day ne good hour here in the lobby and take my time somehow.
And, even if I'm in the room above, I am working just kind of ... we live us apart, each sitting in front of her computer, pulls purely NEN film, chat or make something. Only breakfast and dinner together, we enjoy most. Otherwise, hardly any common ground. At least I feel this way she was made, I do not know. Granted, every now and then we talk about how it should go further, but we were so far not really a solution. For me is clear, therefore, I will post our return flight, first of all have some days with her rest of the trip and then start the rest of the way into my home and stay there a long time and sometime next year probably, my things with her pick . It hurts so much.
Even the occasional hugs ... I can hardly give rise feelings or I would life and it could be a problem in its present state. So I hope she reads this here not and I will not tell her also that I here and now, writing down all of this. I also ask those who know her and me, to tell her anything about it, it might be too heavy for them. You will read it soon enough.
Yes, for me it's hard, very hard to even. I was already dreaming time we have a daughter together, well, dreams are often just shadows but containing foam never survived for long. Some songs by the group "L'âme Immortelle" helped me a lot:
"Only you" I have very closely with Nadja
"From the Ruins" and "Winter of" talk to me now turn from the heart and help me over the separation.
Yes, I think I am beginning to come clear with the idea of it all, and instead of me talking about us. Speaking of ... two weeks ago she moved on to add that I wanted to pay our shopping separately, because it was at that time, there were just a Us and not you and me. And I just wanted her not be on the bag, on the other hand, I ask myself now if I was already started separating us to get it to me easier. I think this is quite likely, self-protection mechanisms sometimes strange shapes.
Well, I think that's enough for the first time, the most important thing I have now told and I am doing, I think, a little bit better.
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